This article was originally published during October 2001 in UKParents.co.uk
This is our story of our precious princess Jessica
Mae Stewart:
By Emma
Jessica Mae Stewart
Born:
Died:
It all began in July 1999. We had decided to try for a family as soon as we were married.
Months passed and still nothing was happening. We contacted out Doctor who sent us for
tests at the Fertility Clinic at the local hospital. On
It was during a 'transvaginal' ultrasound that the sonographer discovered I was pregnant.
She had found cells that she said could develop into a baby. My husband and I were very
excited. We had an appointment on
On
I finished work in May 2001. Thankful that I would be off until June 2002. The next time I
would see everyone would be with our new baby.
Everything was going well. Visits to the midwife were ok. I had slight high blood pressure
and swollen feet. The baby was in the breech position so I was expecting to have a
caesarean section but not until full term and only if the baby hadn't turned itself
beforehand.
My world fell apart on
My knickers were covered in blood. I was loosing clots too. I shouted for my husband Dean.
He rushed into me. He contacted the emergency Midwife. At this time the bleeding had
subsided and was just like a light period.
The Midwife told me to pack an overnight bag and go straight to hospital where I would be
monitored and probably admitted for a day then discharged. We didn't really think there
was anything to panic about so we packed my bag slowly and got to the hospital at about
When the midwife came back in to see me I needed to go to the toilet again. She was
concerned because the monitor seemed to be picking up my heartbeat instead of the baby's.
She helped me to the toilet and that is when I lost a large amount of placenta. I was
rushed into a room. Doctors and nurses were everywhere. I had 3 cannulars placed into me.
An ultrasound machine was brought in to try and see what was wrong. The monitor was used
again to try and detect my baby's heartbeat. The anaesthetist came to see me 'just in
case'. I couldn't take it all in. just 12 hours ago my baby was fine, now all hell had
broken loose.
Before the anaesthetist had finished talking to me a nurse rushed into the room and
shouted 'this baby must come out NOW'. I was asked to sign a form on the way to theatre.
Dean was sent to scrub up. I was being prepared for my operation.
I remember Dean coming back into the room and looking like George Clooney. At that point
the doctor informed us that I couldn't have an epidural due to the urgency of the
operation. I was put to sleep. When I was to awake I would be a mummy - my whole dream.
I remember waking up in extreme pain - the worst I had ever felt. The first think I
thought of was my baby - was it ok - what did I have? The midwife told me that I had a
little girl - my dream had come true. There was a but….. She was extremely poorly and
in intensive care in a critical condition. The next 24-48 hours would tell us more. Dean
had contacted our mums.
My mum came directly to the hospital from
Finally, after a couple of hours we got to see our baby. She was perfect - 10 fingers, 10
toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 hands, etc… Because she was premature she had
no name and was known as 'Baby Stewart'. We had picked out a boys name but had not got
round to picking a girls name - we had loads of time - or so we thought. Having a baby
with no name was awful - here she was, all alone in her bed hooked up to all sorts of
machines hanging on to her life and she had no name. I just wanted to hold her - feed her
- change her nappy - do all the things new mums are supposed to do.
We were told that her condition might improve but there was a chance that it wouldn't. She
had suffered from lack of oxygen during delivery and her organs were failing. She was
having fits, which needed to subside. We were told that babies who suffer trauma like this
tend to have organ failure but then they pick up after a couple of days - start to get
better. We prayed she would.
I was transferred to a side room on the delivery ward. I was living a nightmare. This sort
of thing only happened on television. A doctor came to see me and mentioned Vasa Previa. I
had never heard of this but they tried to explain it the best they could. Everything was
just a blur. I just wanted to be with my baby.
The next day we talked about girls' names. We decided on Jessica Mae. We rushed to tell
her what her new name was going to be. She seemed to like it. She seemed to be getting
better, improving every hour. We had hope. Maybe we would be able to take our baby home
after all. She was breathing for herself and looking around We prayed.
One memory distinctively stays with me: I was talking to her on the Saturday morning when
Dean came into the ward. I told her that Daddy was here and as soon as she heard his voice
she opened her eyes wider than she had ever done and opened her mouth as if to cry for
him. In the afternoon I got to hold my baby - the first time since she was born and she
was 4 days old.
They decided later that night to increase her medication. They had to put her on a
ventilator to help her breathing because of the medication increase. We said night-night
as usual and left her. I got a call on the ward later that night telling me that I should
have Dean here because they had found blood on her lungs. She could go at any minute. Dean
and my mum rushed to the hospital to be with us. She was stable. She was fighting, holding
on.
The next few days were touch and go. A new consultant was called in to look after Jessica.
He held several meetings with us. He told us that her liver was failing and that her blood
wasn't clotting as a result. All through this nightmare she had not been urinating. If she
did it was only a couple of mls. She needed to wee at least 100mls per day and the most we
got was 29mls in 24 hours - her kidneys were failing too. A brain scan had determined that
the left side of her brain was damaged - dying.
On
We made the biggest decision we will ever have to make. We decided that if Jessica was no
better by the next morning, we would take her off the machines and let her decide what was
best. That night was the worst night of my life. We both got to hold Jessica - she looked
so tiny in Dean's arms. I hardly slept knowing that the very next day I would be saying
goodbye to my baby.
The consultant could not give us any sort of timescale about how long she would live for
without the drugs. He said it could be minutes, hours, days… we just had to wait. At
We took her into a side room on the Unit. There we got to hold her constantly. Every so
often the nurse popped into the room to check on us. It was a day of mixed emotion and
dread. We knew that at anytime we would be saying goodbye. For hours we passed her between
ourselves. Every so often she stopped breathing and we braced ourselves. She would then
'kickstart' herself again and we would start all over again. We talked to her, sang to
her, told her how much she was loved and will always be loved. At
Her funeral service was held on
I found out about Vasa Previa on the internet. I had never heard of it so I thought I
would look it up. I found a support group for mums like me: www.vasaprevia.com I am now an
active member. Through this group I have made lots of friends and we all give each other
support. Vasa Previa is extremely rare. 1:3000. The group is small. The membership of the
whole group is 55 worldwide. These include the angels group (babies who have died from
Vasa Previa) membership of 11 worldwide. It has been my lifeline through all this.
It has now been four months since Jessica died. Our lives are in turmoil. We are slowly
but surely trying to re-build our lives but it will take time. Life goes on, as people say
- my life may have stopped but the world outside that carries on and you just have to 'get
on with it'. People try to be kind by saying things like "Its Gods way",
"There will be other babies" "It was meant to be" etc. They don't
realise that these words hurt.
Jessica will stay with me forever, in my heart, through the eyes of our future children,
in our minds, in our souls and she will always have a very special place in our home.
A dear friend in a card sent this poem to me just after Jessica died. To me it is very
appropriate:
"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine" he said,
"For you to love the while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be hours, or days - weeks, or years maybe,
But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down then I want this child to learn.
I've looked to whole world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
I know you'll give her all your love, and not think the labour vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?"
I fancied that I heard you say, "Dear Lord, your will be done,
For all the joys our child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run,
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But though the angels called for her much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter tears of grief, and try to understand.
From Emma Stewart,